DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD

This entry is a little about my technical issues (as in me yelling at WordPress again) – and a little about why I stopped writing fanfiction, it might not be what you think.

I won’t get into the whole visual storyteller project here, that is a separate post.

First up, I tried for a long time to open WordPress to upload the video I made for the visual storyteller project… but it simply wouldn’t open. It would just either have a white screen, or I couldn’t click the ‘add new entry’ specifically – I mean other stuff worked fine. So to this is that I had to change browser like a year ago, because Chrome froze up and crashed my entire computer – no matter how many times I cleared the cache or cookies. So I used Edge instead, but after Edge’s last update, it’s hell on earth.

If you want to search something, you get like an AI chat bot that get’s upset if you search “disturbing stuff”, then it says “let’s talk about something else”… and there might be a way to turn it off. But you see before the update, you could choose your search engine in settings of the browser, like any other browser btw. But that option is just gone. I tried googling it to see if I was being a moron, but it seems actually gone. You’re stuck with Bing and the ridiculous chat bot that only lets you look for kitten photos. So I installed Chrome again, and am about to clear all saved links sans a few. And then use that for yeah WordPress and searching.

I did also Google why my WordPress didn’t work, and apparently it happened before (when Internet Explorer became Edge, and the Spartan software was introduced), but apparently many are experiencing it right now with the forced Bing search engine and all that. Oh well, I solved it, it’s just a little extra effort yanno?

So why I stopped writing fanfiction from my perspective.

So I know that I had a plan on what to write about why I stopped writing fanfiction. But since I struggled with getting into my WordPress blog, I sort of forgot why it was, I wanted to talk about that. Okay, y’all know my ADHD brain doesn’t store useless shit like that for long, and I also forget to write shit down. So I’ll wing it, because I remember it in broad strokes.

Actually, it was born out of the video I made for the visual storyteller project, the short appetizer video for the remake of Wolf Rock. I felt so fucking accomplished, I made the art, I made the concept, I wrote the story, and I made the video. And let me tell you, it’s like 10+ different programs I used to make that happen. Oh yeah, and I also made the ambient music. Dude, that is major for me. And I really proved that with an idea and the right tools, you can make something cool that could get noticed, or at least make it more fun.

I plan to use it to make some sort of video intro to my longer projects, because I think it’s cool with a “book trailer” plus it combines many of the things I love to do.

Anyway, I felt accomplished, I felt like a star! I handed it over to the internet, and expected something… not sure what, but something. and what happened? nothing. fucking nothing!

I could excuse that original fiction is harder to get people into, and most of the people on my Twitter are fan related acquaintances. And I honestly think 90% of them ignore what I do when it comes to AI art, because many fan communities have a very set opinion on it. I mean, I haven’t been active in fandom for over 10 years, so I don’t understand why they don’t just delete me. Surely they aren’t waiting for updates on fandom stuff.

And that feeling reminded me of why I stopped writing fanfiction. I know I talked about how I went from having loads of people who read my stuff being semi ‘known’ in the Lord of the Rings community, to not even getting two comments on a chapter – because I stopped writing what they wanted, but what I liked instead. I still stand by that, and it takes a serious nut-sack (woman or not, you get the point) to do that, to go from the safe recipe of a steady flow of output and comments.

Truth is that I was perhaps arrogant in my approach, but again, it was in the infancy of internet fandom on forums, and so (it was when the first Jackson movie dropped) – and I remember I wrote like a 3 page chapter with no actual purpose, growth or substance. But I knew they’d read it and love it anyways. and I was right. I seriously got more comments on ‘b-roll’ then I get on an entire novella now. sad state of affairs innit?

Now the lesson here is not that you should write the same story over and over. Now because it’s over a decade ago, it’s hardly shade, so I suppose I can spill the tea a little here – I mean it’s hardly drama, just an observation that bugged the fuck out of me. So there was this fandom author called M, and she would write the same story over and over again. She would change the core theme, or characters, but dude, I swear it was the same goddamn story when you know something about storytelling. And to make it worse, she jumped fandom and started over. It was seriously Stephanie Meyers territory – I expect her to upload her older LoTr stories and just switch out names and places. And she was adored for it. – that bugged me, and bugs me still in some way, because the signal value is terrible.

Now M is what is wrong with the fandom community, not the toxic little shits. It’s stagnated people like M, who make it impossible for people who think outside the box, or write shit out there, to be either ignored or targeted. Let me explain.

Now another author in another fandom, P, wrote a story about an android, and everyone had their panties in a twist, because they were of the opinion that it was bordering to April/November (old fandom codes are old, but you know spring and autumn, you get it right?), and in the end that author had to take down the story to make it stop. And I have seen other examples like it, but we don’t need a list.

So why did I stop? Well, because the same pattern kept happening at the beginning of fandom, it’s easy to pluck from canon. The longer you stay, the more you go AU (alternate universe), or perhaps I should speak for myself, because I quickly go AU. Perhaps because my love lies with original fiction, and I just used the characters as a base for the story, because when you write fandom AU, the universe is already there, the characters are there and known, and also the potential readers are there.

In all honesty, I think the last three fandom stories I wrote were long, like very long. And I put loads of effort into them, and that was back when I actually knew people online, so they had art to go and everything. but no readers. The last I did had like none… perhaps some stragglers have come along, but I haven’t checked my fanfic account in years, so I don’t know. I write some seriously dark stuff, and while there are readers in fandoms, there are never many. There are more for stories like M’s or the fluff fillers I used to make. It was not like I didn’t know that, and went into it with the knowledge of fanfiction are not the quality of what you write, it’s who you are – or more importantly, who you know, that sets the stage.

And that was why I just wasn’t ‘fuck it’ and never wrote fanfiction again. It makes me so fucking depressed to see something that I worked hard on writing, not getting any attention, not because it’s lost in the shuffle. But because it doesn’t conform to the broad fandom experience. And I simply cannot work with that. I don’t even think I’d do it if I were paid.

Now the fandom scene has changed, and I felt that earlier this year. I used to do the mass effect big bang, because it was fun and a large author event. But I think the fat lady sung, because I don’t know anyone anymore, and I don’t participate in fandom in general. And as I realized earlier this year, I don’t think I understand the new generation of people in fandom. I’m from a time where you’d tag your shit with ‘lemon’ for fucks sake. But I also noticed that fandom is more streamlined now. It’s not as chaotic and just for the fun and excitement for a specific movie or game, but there are rules… because you know ordnung muss sein. Fuck that. And I honestly don’t think I’ll be returning to run it next year, leaving it to someone else – I am done. It’s a chore now, and not one that I prioritize either. You know, it reminds me of that saying that you can either leave a hero or watch yourself become the villain. (now I didn’t say die an hero, because that rings some different bells for me, again with the old memes, man)

Look, I hate sounding like one of those ‘it’s the snowflake kids’ – but seriously it is. I should have noped out when the tagging system took over everyone’s life, because sometimes people tag/warn for more shit than there are words in the story. Just to not be in a situation like P where you are booed off stage, for writing about something slightly controversial.

Now I know they are out there, my people. There are still people in fandom who don’t give a shit and write what they want to. And I love that they do! Never change! But on the other hand, I foresee that they like me just give up at some point.

Because as I started explaining, there is no worse feeling in the world than you birthing this thing you are proud of, and no one cares. But then again, I don’t think a single person reads this, but I still write it like it has readers. So in short, why I stopped writing fanfiction was both because the whole scene changed from something fun to something much more linear that I simply don’t care to deal with. But also because what I wrote was pointless and not worth it, because dude, the core of writing fanfics are the interaction with readers or other authors – getting excited about stuff. It’s just gone, I can’t find that feeling anymore – and that is because it became incredibly fruitless for me, spending that much free time on something that would just gather dust on some archive.

I mean, my original stuff gathers dust too, but that is different, because that is a question of growing as an author, and getting better at PR, not because you saw yourself go out with a whimper. Now I deleted a lot of fandom accounts, but I kept my FF.net and Ao3 up, because even if I don’t write fanfiction anymore and don’t think I ever will again (never say never tho), it was still a huge part of my life for many years. What taught me how to become a better author, or perhaps to become an author at all!