DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD

I was on a project contract, and because it went from a project to a stable workplace, we all had to apply for our jobs again.

And I as the only one, did not get my contract renewed. It is what it is, right now I am more paralysed than anything. I had not expected that, and I wish my boss had told me they didn’t find that i was a candidate before all that. That way I could have gotten out of it with dignity.

As it stands now, it’s just humiliating, – and to hear the guy who has been your boss for 4 years. A person you trust and like, tell you that it doesn’t really matter if I finish my contract or don’t, that’s up to me.

Tells me all I need to know.

I did have this feeling of being wrong for the job, like I was running behind everyone. But most of all it’s because I didn’t talk to anyone there, I don’t think I have ever been so lonely at a workplace before. It was like they just didn’t speak the same language as me, I really don’t know how to explain it.

So perhaps I was never supposed to pretend I was one of them. I am not, and I will never be.

I am just numb really, like it’s the final insult from a workplace that never gave a shit, and life goes on – right now it’s office gossip, but they’re gonna forget they ever met me, before fucking christmas.

And that’s okay.

I won’t ever forget them, but for all the wrong reasons.

So for now, I need to figure out if I’m gonna be stubborn and hold out to the 20th where my doctor can give me a sickleave notice for stress, and I can tap out in december.

And the positive is I don’t have to deal with applying for christmas hollidays, or attend their stupid christmas party.

So either i’m stubborn and sticks to my contract till the 20th, and then tap out. This would give me time to wrap things up the right way.

OR, I could tap out now.

I don’t know what I feel like. I’m thinking i’m gonna go to the office tomorrow, since I don’t think anyone is there, and empty out my shit. That would give me some sort of calm.

I mean, what bothers me the most is the loss of dignity, it was super humiliating. And just not okay, – at all. So yeah I’d feel better if I withdrew completely, delete myself from the office space. And only have my work tools like phone and computer to hand in at a later point.

I’d feel like I took my dignity a little back somehow. like I was doing something proactive before most people know. It’s cowardly, sure. But it would make me feel better, because then I’d feel less pathetic, – like I was hanging on and hoping for a different outcome.

there is no other outcome.

And as I said on insta. It’s not so much the feeling of being rejected, – it’s the feeling of not being selected.

This leads to a whole lot of different feelings,- none of them good.

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There was a time when my wish was ‘an office with my name on it’, – and I got that. I had that for a little while. So I can’t exactly say my wish didn’t come true.