So I set out to write a mass effect big bang. I admit I took the lazy approach and figured it was just a damn fanfic, so I knew I wanted to write something with a deep sea station. And so I did the chatGTP antithesis, hahaha, and I really mean that. Because I hate the answers it gives me 99% of the time, but what it does is to kick my muse. I mean let’s say I ask chat to make me a plotline for a underwater story with character X and character X as the main, and I want the station to crumble and explode.
Chat would give something nonsensical like, X and X got married and they live in the station where the rest of the world can’t find them. then one day a whale explode their home and they make it to the surface.
And I would go… okay that is… what is this even? But wait, maybe it’s not dumb with the whale, oh wait, no… Cthulhu, yeah… tentacles…
And off I go.
So when I say the chatGTP antithesis, I mean it. I can’t recall a singular time it had an idea or suggestion I could use, but what I can use is how it eliminates a bunch of stuff, like it’s highlighting all the crap ideas, and kicks my own muse into high gear.
I must admit, even if I am not against people who write with AI, as you can read about in this entry.
I also just don’t understand people who DO use AI to write anything, I mean actually write it. I tried different programs, just for the fuck of it, like in this entry
And sure, I will give AI writing the same credit as I did then, it is a good tool to unstick yourself. But not because of what it’s writing. Because of the interaction. I mean if you’re anything like me, and don’t have any friends left to talk about writing with, well – it’s a good solution to tossing out different solutions for you. You can scrap them all, mix them or whatever, but never in my fucking life would I take a text written by AI and paste into a story.
But I have to admit, it does give me the wall to bounce shit off that I need. Let me give you an example from the thing I actually made this entry to talk about.
I asked co-pilot to give me the latin and english text of Mozart’s Agnus Dei
And that is lazy, I know. But this isn’t information I could get otherwise, this is just easier, and I might add, I wouldn’t ask something this specific if I didn’t know anything about Mozart’s Requiem for starters.
Well that information became this passage:
“Listen,” Roan said, hushing John with a gentle finger on his lips. “It’s Mozart.”
“If you say so,” John mumbled against Roan’s finger.
Roan turned to John and said, “Mozart was sure he was commissioned by death to write his own requiem, and so he did. He was only 35, imagine that, man.”
“Who are you, and what did you do to my Roan?” John laughed, earning himself a playful tackle, landing him on his back on the narrow cot.
Roan hovered over him, dipping down to kiss him gently, ”close your eyes, and ‘listen’. I mean really listen.” As John dutifully closed his eyes, Roan whispered, “It’s an ode to death and forgiveness, regret and peace.”
John listened to the choir as they gave their rendition of Agnus Dei, and he listened to Roan’s voice whispering. The more Roan spoke, the more he could hear it, feel it. “I hear it,” John finally whispered.
“Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi.” Roan whispered, his lips moving against John’s. “Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world.” He paused and John opened his eyes, staring right up into Roan’s thundercloud gray ones, “dona eis requiem sempiternam.” Roan whispered with a little smile, “grant them everlasting rest. – Redemption, Johnny. It’s a whispered apology to the dead, asking forgiveness for something they don’t know by name.”
“Why are they asking forgiveness?” John asked softly, caught up in the sorrowful music, and Roan’s gray eyes studying him with unspoken tenderness.
“Because they are human,” Roan said, a little smile on his lips. “They surrender to judgement, hoping for mercy.”
And this is what I mean by bouncing stuff off the AI, like I didn’t remember the text to it, it’s in latin for fucks sake. But I did remember that Agnus Dei means lamb of God, and the analysis is mine… So I mean I could be wrong, but this is just a story, and you’re allowed to be wrong.
I include this thing, because I noticed something. I am well aware that I had to ban AI from the mass effect big bang. Personally I am torn, because on one hand I really believe it has no place in a challenge per definition. But also I don’t believe in banning anything from a populistic standpoint. So I did the middle thing, which I actually personally subscribe to.
And you’d know this if you read anything in my blog I said about AI and creativity. So my rule became no AI as a product, what you do in your process, is none of my business.
So I have this thing where I ask people weird shit on a regular basis, while the mebb runs, and I asked what programs and tools the authors used to write.
I feel like I made myself very clear, that supportive AI is allowed, such as editing programs, or whatever kicks your muse while writing.
And this just made me sad, man. Don’t lose perspective people! We are talking about fucking FANFICTION here!
I will never understand the weird anti-ai hypocrisy when it comes to the fandom crowd. But to distrust microsoft for their use of AI is just one of the wildest things I heard. Oh well, you do you… I don’t have to understand.
you can find Ellipsus here if you want to know what that is. I don’t use it, I think it’s dumb. But that’s just me being me. They even have a tagline like ‘no ai’, even if it’s clear to me, many of their features utilize AI, and also… what is up with people not understanding how data scraping works? Like a bunch of nobodies afraid of AI stealing their stuff, that is hilarious and sad at the same time.
And that is one of the reasons I don’t use Ellipsus, because I think they are lying. I think they tell those authors what they want to hear, they are catering to the ‘data scraping copy’ fear. I am telling you, if the tables were turned in creative circles, their tagline would be ‘inclusive AI’.
So no… I would never use anything as dishonest as I believe Ellipsus to be.
SO… the actual point of this post.
I set out to make a fanfic for the mebb as I said in the beginning of this entry, and when I was like 5k in, I realised that I had a total of 2 mass effect characters and that was it! Everything else was made up by me, both places, concepts and characters.
I seriously changed 1 surname, and 1 entire name… and there we go.
John Shepard, became John O’Kieran.
Kaidan Alenko became Kade Wiseman.
And that was it, this was the only reference to mass effect there was, these two assholes.
I did make these two graphics with AI and vector editing, just for my own enjoyment, and well I see no problem sticking with those, even if it’s no longer a fanfic. I have to admit I hate that I can’t share the excitement of shit like this, anywhere but here, but it is what it is.
I did make a mockup frontpage, and the reason I do that, is so it’s easier to find the file in my google drive. Seriously.
I don’t know if I’ll finish it, I can’t promise I will. Perhaps it will end up as so many other half baked projects of mine. Because without the MEBB format and deadline, it’s harder to stick to.
Also it just lost it’s purpose when it transformed from fanfic idea to original.
I don’t know man, I really don’t. But I ‘do’ know I will write on it for as long as the muse is in the house, and we’ll just have to wait and see what happens after that.
Sometimes I’m so glad I don’t have a following, or a platform for my authorship. Because dude, people would go crazy of my shifting ideas, flipping faster than anyone has any right to. And that would just come off as super disingenuous and disrespectful to my readers.
So yeah, I am okay with just writing what tumbles out my head here in my blog, my safe little stupid bubble. Where I can be as fickle as I goddamn want to be. I made a comment on a youtube video some days ago.
For context this is about Isla Olsen, you can find the video I commented on here. And what I reacted to was the content creator who said (and I am paraphrasing here) ‘she has adhd, perhaps it would be better to focus on one project at a time‘. And I just had to throw in my two cents.
And I mean it, we jump from dopamine kick to dopamine kick, and others can’t necessarily follow. And so I am just real glad I have no one to reveal anything to, even if I’d never do what she does, because the thing is she is selling books that doesn’t exist.
To talk about new projects is a whole other beast, than to launch a frontpage and ask for money.
… oh well… grifters will be grifting.
Lastly I’ll say, if this story ever turns out something real, I have to see how long it is, and if it makes sense to publish or to just upload for free as original.
Regardless, it does not fit in the murky mile universe, and is it’s entirely own creature.
Again, we’ll just have to see what the muses decide.
What I ‘do’ know, is that I regret bitterly submitting my last attempt at fanfiction to the MEBB, I mean it was a mess. It’s terrible, and I hate it.
I did like it when I wrote it, but I should have done, what I am doing now. I should have pulled the plug, and not forced it into the format of a fanfic. If it had not included artwork from someone else, I would have pulled it from the net, but I don’t feel it’s fair to Morrigan to do that.
So I have to live with this mess, and hope everyone including myself, just forget it exist. To be honest I think I am the only one who ever gave it thought, because I think it has like 5 clicks on A03, and that’s fine. The less attention to this shit, the better.
Now, don’t misunderstand me, I don’t actually think the story is shit, I think it has loads of potential. But I’d need to edit shit out to make it work, also it simply has no ending. Yeah, I know it’s against my own rules, but it just doesn’t.
I think I kinda gave up before I let it run in the MEBB, I mean I knew it would be a massive project, should I finish it with an actual ending.
And also I felt stupid constricted with the characters and their canon interactions, even if there’s nothing of that really. I remember it annoyed me that Kaidan was the character he was, because his reasoning for doing what he did, was non existent.
And why? because it was supposed to be half the lenght, and just a little story about regret and necromorphs, dammit!
Before this story, there was Cacophonies, which is basically the same shit. I thought this story was fucking genius, like a critical commentary on computergame functions, sorta like Spec Ops the line, you know? But no, it’s a shit fanfic, neither in Cacophonies, or in Silentia Aeterna, is any of those things which make up a fanfic. Like chem X and everything sweet and spicy.
It’s just violence, insanity and grotesqueness. And perhaps that is all I got now? I thought about it the other day, like I enjoy stories that ends on a happy note too.
But I can’t fucking write it anymore.
It’s 5 years ago I got a divorce, and nothing changed. If anything it has just been allowed to fester. Perhaps I like it this way? I don’t know. But what I do know, is only one jerk was ballsy enough to ask me out for a date, in those five years. And I was a right cunt about it, like I don’t even know if I can explain it.
But at no point did I intend on going on a date, but I let him believe I perhaps would, just so I could laugh at him for being an idiot. And I did, man. I spent an entire night being a cunt, highlighting what a fucking self absorbed manchild he is.
TRuth be told, I know him from around, and I think he’s a huge dickhead. Sure I feel a little bit remorse for stringing him along, I just couldn’t help myself. Like who does he think I am?
Pro tip ladies; if someone has to repeat, ‘I only speak the truth’ or ‘you can expect the truth from me’… they are lying. Truthful people don’t have to try and convince you they are truthful.
And anyone who doesn’t have a fucking cent to their name, they are not asking you on a date, they want a quickie with the promise of a date. Very primitive, and perhaps it works, I don’t know. I think it’s laughable, seriously. When someone says ‘I want to take you out on a date,’ and then moments later say ‘can I crash at your place’. You just know, there was never any date, it’s just a hook, because someone told him that is what those ladies want to her.
And also when he knows your ex. Run. He is not into you, he want to tap what his buddy tapped.
And this specific asshole, he started telling me these stupid sob stories about shit that never happened. Like he said ‘I remember you from X-bar’ (he once worked as a bartender, and that’s why my ex knew him). And I know I never frequented that bar, I might have been there like twice in my fucking life. And he also told me, he decided to go onto child care because of that one time he babysat my son, and he would fall asleep on his chest while he sang icelandic lullabies.
Bitch, you never babysat my son. I don’t know if he is confusing my children with someone elses children, but that is a very bad move when you’re trying to impress the mother of said child with ‘your child was the special one’. Also he is not icelandic, but greenlandic… he doesn’t know two fucking words icelandic.
I mean… no thank you.
Again, I should not have stuck around just for the outrageous entertainment, of his blundering stupidity. I mean I blocked his number within the first five minutes, I should perhaps have admitted to not having any intention of going anywhere with him. But I think he’ll live, and when I meet him again, I have to laugh and ask him, just how stupid he think I am.
Why am I telling you this? well because this is my fucking curse. I even asked him why the fuck he would want to ask me out in the first place. And he said ‘you have nice tattoos’.
Oh fuck off.
To my defence I did tell him, the only thing I want is for someone to see me, like really see me for me. And no one does. they see what I was once (the punk scene is real small in Denmark), or they see that I’m the ex of whoever, perhaps they see that I know everyone because I’ve been a part of that scene for like almost 30 years.
They all see what I can do for them.
None of them give a shit about me, because if they did. They’d listen to what I said, and give me the fucking respect I deserve.
But no…
None of them.
Not even the asshole I was married to for 16 years. And this is why I don’t believe in people, they will say the most outlandish shit, if they think it’s what you want to hear. I can compare it to those people who says ‘i respect women’, but turns out they only respect women they want to fuck. Which isn’t really respecting women, it’s pretending to care, because you hope to get laid.
And I think this cynicism is why I can’t write fanfics anymore.
People lie, to you and to themselves.
At the end of the day, we are little selfish creatures. Self serving little fuckers, who will sell our integrity without even realising it, just like that moron that asked me out. He didn’t own a singular shred of decency, all he saw was; – well an object of some sorts.
and before you say ‘not everyone is like that, I’m sorry you feel like that’. I have to say, ‘you’re wrong’.
But the simple version is; you can’t write love stories, when you no longer believe it. And Cacophonies was about madness and sexual violence. Silentia Aeterna was about erasing someone, tricking them, placating them until you own them.
And this story would have been about deceit, and revenge… however it changed pace, and now it’s about something else, I can’t tell you want right now, because I simply don’t know.
DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD 
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