So I could show you screenshots, but that makes no difference because they are in Danish. So let’s just do without…
Right, so my mum’s birthday is coming up, she turns 70 which is a big deal for her, apperently.
In this story there are some different players, there’s my mum, and then there’s my sister M, which is 8 years younger than me. There is my sister L, which is 17 years younger than me. and there’s my cousin, and also my brother R, who is 4 years younger than me.
Okay let’s go.
So M invites me to this weird facebook groupchat with the others mentioned, and I don’t know why the fuck my cousin is there, but eventually I found out. So M want to buy this damn mobility scooter for our mum.. you read that right, a fucking mobility scooter!
She has a battery driven bike, which works just fine. But M insists mum is soon too old to use that bike… like wtf? That is weird on it’s own, but like a mobility scooter cost like 10,000DKK, that is a lot of damn money. I see M write something in the chat about 1000DKK per person, which is fucking outrageous.
And I ghost the chat.
I accidently notice it yesterday, and I see my cousin ask two questions. One being ‘is that even something she want?’, and the other being ‘so you mean 500DKK per person, or per family?’
Valid questions really.
And then L says they can’t afford 500DKK at all.
Then M says she’ll ask mum, and then returns to say, our mum don’t want this damn scooter, she wants money only. And before anyone reacts, M writes a flurry of messages that she deleted before I saw them, so I could just see it said ‘deleted message’. And the one message she left was ‘this is crazy, you people will just have to figure your own presents out, I don’t want to deal with this. I am closing this down now.’
And I laughed.
I admit I laughed, and then I too left the chatroom. Dude…
I have never gotten presents from my mum, and I never bought her presents either. Well that is a lie, I did send her some flowers and chocolate on mother’s day one year, not sure why I did that. But I suppose I wanted to be nice, and surprise her. She never did say thank you, or even acknowledged it. And it never happened again.
So, the norm for gift giving here in Denmark for most families I know of, including my own little dysfunctional branch here.
(as a rule of thumb, adults always give something to the host)
FOR CHILDREN UNDER 18:
*Parents and grandparents give presents per default
*Aunts and uncles, family friends, make an agreement with the parents if they want to give presents to the child.
*Everyone not parents and grandparents, are not required to give anything outside what is arranged. Some only give birthday presents, other christmas presents, and others again give both.
FOR YOUNG ADULTS:
*When the kid turn 18, many parents stop giving gifts to them, period.
*Some families continue to give presents to their kids over the age of 18.
*Extended family does per default not give presents.
*You are expected to give a gift to the host, if invited.
FOR ADULTS:
*Adults does not give gift to adults per default.
*You are expected to give a gift to a kid, if invited. Default pricetag is somewhere between 100DKK to 200DKK for something like that.
*You make individual agreements with those who you exchange presents with.
*If you do not have any agreement about gift exchanging, you just bring a little something for the host, such as flowers.
FOR ‘OTHERS’:
*When you become a parent, you will receive no presents. The norm for your parents is to gift something to the child instead.
*If your kid is invited to a birthday, the pricetag will be on the invitation, and if not. the norm is somewhere between 25DKK to 50DKK, when it’s from your kid to a friend of theirs from the estate or school.
So basically these rules are there to not embarrass someone, because if you show up with a present but no one got you anything – that is weird. Also it’s important to agree on the amount used on the exchanged gifts, so one part won’t feel awkward.
Now I come from a family on my dad’s side, where we still got presents, even if we had kids. Those presents were just a little cheaper than before. Most people have a pretty strict budget for presents. And speaking of cultural norms, you would absolutely embarass the person who are receiving the present, if you bought something crazy expensive they know you can’t afford. Any Danish person would be mortified if someone put themselves in debt to buy them something.
So back to my actual family…
As I said, my mum and I have never exchanged presents, neither when I was a kid (I didn’t live with her), or as an adult. I know she gives my siblings, and their kids presents (or well she used to, I just don’t know – but I suspect she does give M and L and their kids presents still).
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
This is the price I pay for living on a different island, and have little to no contact with most of those people. It’s fine man, I mean she used to give my kids something on their birthdays, but never for christmas. But that stopped some years ago when she announced she’d only buy presents for the ‘small ones’.
I don’t know who the fuck the small ones are, or if any of my kids are in fact small.
Look, I am allergic to this shit. Either you give all the kids a present, or none of the kids a present. She knows this, she remembers how I went in on Nik’s mum (my two youngest kids grandmother on their fathers side). She decided to only give presents to her biological grandchildren, because she had heard that my oldest, Ziggi, her grandmother on her fathers side, only gave her presents.
Now the difference is, Ziggi’s grandmother didn’t know any of my other children at all, and Ziggi would see her every other weekend back then. Also I was married to Nik, so per default our kids were directly involved with his mother.
And I told my then MiL to go fuck herself.
She did send presents like two times for the youngest, and one time it was a ticket to a museum, so I bought two more tickets for the others and we went there. And the last time, well I sent her shit back.
I will not allow anyone to favoritise any of my children, for any reason.
My mum however always did that.
Want examples? yeah… So here in Denmark most people have first communion (confirmation) at the age of roughly 14. And if they are not baptised, they will be baptised at this ceremony and then they’re a member of the State Church. Many young people including me, and my siblings by the way, chose not to have their first communion, members of the church or not.
And the common thing is that you then have either a ‘non-firmation’, where you throw a party anyways, church or not. Or you just let it slide in silence, and your child will get a nice present instead, no matter what.
I got nothing at all from my mum, but I got a stereo with both lp and cd player from my nan. And remember we do not have the same dad, me and my siblings, so my nan is not their nan.
So remember what I said up top, R is 4 years younger than me, and M is 8 years younger than me, and L is 17 years younger than me.
So when I tell you, I got nothing, and M got nothing.
R got a moped. and L got a pair of new Bauer skates (she played icehockey back then).
Right then… nothing, moped, nothing, skates.
How the fuck is that okay? And when you ask my mum, cause I actually did. She said ‘well we were broke’. Bitch, you can’t be that broke, also you can apply the state for some government aid to help with that confirmation, be that the dress, or the party.
There is no excuse.
And one year my kids each got a coloring book, yep shit you not, a goddamn second hand coloring book. And I know M’s oldest son, N. He got a pair of very expensive roller skates that he never used. And when I say expensive, I’m talking 2000DKK or more.
Another year Storm got like a plastic folder with coupons for a supermarket, and seriously I wish I was making this crap up, but I promise you i’m not. I think it was the same year Roar got like cake lights and another coloring book. It was madness, and also very pointless.
I could go on. But I won’t… I’ll just say there is a reason why I told my mum to stop giving presents.
And then for the last like five years, we have not exchanged presents at all, not between me and her, and not from her to my kids. Even if that is very weird to anyone but me, why my mum doesn’t give her own grandkids presents. Now, all but Ask are above the age of 18 and she can hide behind that. But that was not so back when I asked her to stop.
I don’t care what peoples norms are. I mean these are my fucking kids, and she is their grandmother. 18 or not – you give all of them a present that you didn’t fish out of the ‘free’ basket at the thrift store, or nothing at all.
Just to make myself clear, I’m sure you can find nice things in that ‘free’ basket. But she didn’t, I mean it was junk, just fucking junk that we tossed the moment they unpacked it… Like yeah, coloring books where someone already colored something in them, coupons, used crayons, ugly soft toys that was once free with a kids meal at Burger King… you know, it was junk. That shit no one wants for fucks sake.
But still, I know my mum have little to no money, being on government support, and so I did not really defend her shit presents, but I didn’t rip on them either. And I made my children thank her for them.
The reason she didn’t give them larger gifts, was because she saw them like one time per year for three days, when we visited. And the reason for no christmas presents were because we didn’t attend christmas with her.
I know she doesn’t give the same type of presents for my siblings kids. Well R’s kids get nothing as well, but that probably at the same time as she announced the ‘only the small ones’ decree. And also L had just given birth to twins.
Thing is R’s kids, or M’s kids – never got the same kind of presents as my kids. They got actual presents, cheap. But actual presents. My mum’s excuse was, see above… that we never visit.
And truthfully it was worse than nothing.
I am not even being funny when I say that, it’s a family joke in my house that someone’s present at least isn’t as bad as Connie’s (that’s my mum).
My brother never did even see that chat even if he was invited, and I know why, for the same reason I ghosted it. We both know M goes full throttle Hyacinth Bucket with shit like this. So there we were, three people besides M herself, expected to find 10,000DKK for a fucking disability scooter for my mum.. what the fuck? time to quit the pain meds, sis.
I don’t even know why she got this upset and ‘closed this down’, like we were toddlers. But I also don’t really care.
I have a principal to not gift money or gift cards, unless it can’t be different. My gift giving ethics are very different from M’s, or L’s for that matter. Because L did write me over messenger and said ‘just give a gift card, that is what we’ll do’.
And I just won’t.
I don’t care what presents cost, but I want them to be right, I want them to be personal. I want the person I give that gift to know I picked this for them. So if it’s second hand, or not – doesn’t matter.
I bought plenty plastic crap for the kids because that was all the rage at one time, or whatever. But I am talking about gift giving between adults.
I did try and MAKE her something, but that kinda went tits up. So I’m back to square 1. And I think i’ll just make her some socks, and give her some hand lotion or something. And that is that.
Never in my fucking life would I let her dictate what to give her as a present. She must be mad. I don’t give a shit if she wants money or gift cards, because I am the one giving the gift, so it’s my way or nothing.
I just already know this birthday party is going to be great…
Not.
PS: as I read through this entry, I felt like I had to add, for clarity; when I say all or none of my children, I mean as a whole. I mean you buy all my kids a birthday present on their birthday. I do not mean they all must get presents simultaneously. Sibling presents is just the weirdest shit ever.
So what I don’t want is that my mum buys Ziggi a present on her birthday, and Roar a present on his, perhaps Storm a present when it’s her birthday, but doesn’t get one for Ask when it’s his birthday.
DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD 
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