Sometimes I do feel pretty fucking stupid both making stuff, and making these post. but hey, it is what it is…
So, in the light of Nocturnes, and me bouncing slightly back from the online negativity, I sat down and thought about what to do with Nocturnes and This we know.
So the thing with this we know, is that I made a bunch of embedded ai stuff, and I like it, I want it to stay. dude, it makes me happy. But it doesn’t make a whole lot of other people happy, and that is also why I am so private with my writing, I simply refuse to deal with those ‘instant cancellation because ai’, and they don’t care if you didn’t use it to write, or whatever, if you used it to write – then why.
So dude, I keep my shit hidden, spread around on blogs and stuff, and the only stuff that is easy to find, well that is my fanfiction and my book.
It’s a shame because both these stories are albeit still in a process of being written, also HUGE project that took me like 5+ years to edit and worldbuild, and they are both 100% comfort projects, the ones where I just relax and write, knowing that most likely it’s only me who will ever read them. I don’t have to worry about descriptions, or bridging things. Also I don’t care about syntax or anything else, it’s just me writing – making it up as I go along.
And you know what? it’s actually what I do most. What you see of my stuff is only the top of the iceberg. I think I might ‘publish’ like 2% of what I actually write – there was a time it wasn’t like that, and there was a time where I tried to set up a brand, and do extra stuff such as graphics, merch, music… you name it, to immerse the reader, and just go that extra mile.
And you know how that ended… not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think it’s a shame, I mean I might be a shit author – I think I might be a shit author actually, but do I care? not really. I mean don’t buy my damn book like everyone else, and also don’t read my shit. I’m fine with that. I know I sound like I’m anything but, however I am actually fine with that. I think it’s a fucking shame, and it’s sometimes pretty hard to pick one up and soldier on. When all I want is to share what I make. And well, I learned the hard way that what I make, is pretty unwanted by the majority of people.
Did you know I actually once had subscribers to this blog? well I did – more than 50, just saying. I can lift the lid and let you know, there is not a singular one left – or there are, but I’m quit sure those are just bot emails. Or old emails people abandoned – once I’d crosspost my entries to pinterest and twitter, but I nuked both those because – yeah you know why, I don’t have to tell you do I?
But I do pick myself up, and I do soldier on, and I do that because I have projects like these.
You know what gets me?
it’s not the 99% that skip my book because of the ai cover, they can go fuck themselves, I mean – if they want to live in their delulu, they can do so.
No, it’s the remaining 1%, those who actually bought the book – either out of pity, for old friendship or just because they want to support me. They let me know they bought it and then I never hear a word about it again.
I tried lying to myself, and it works to some extent. Telling myself the reason why they don’t write a review on amazon or goodreads is because they haven’t gotten around to reading it yet, or maybe they forgot and don’t use goodreads, and isn’t one that rates things.
And I don’t ask, because I don’t want to make it awkward. I mean most of all it makes me feel like a jerk, because I didn’t mean to let them down you know? I have been thinking of asking those I know who bought it – if they want a refund, and that would be an honest request from my side, it would make me feel better. But it would make it awkward, and well shit…
So I stay silent.
this is my sales since it was published. I know I was the one who bought the E-book, because you can’t get an authors edition of that outside the US, so you just gotta buy it. And I know my daughter bought a hardcopy, and this youtuber bought one too (which version I don’t know).
that leaves 2 copies that I’m unsure of who bought, but you can be dead sure it’s someone I know.
To be fair, I didn’t do any PR at all, because it makes me feel wrong and dirty. I hate it so much you have no idea, so that might be some of it.
With that said, I bought 20 gift editions (author editions) to give away, and I did give ten of them away. Not a fucking word, I mean they would talk about it all the time when I just launched, then I gave it to them – and silence.
If I am not to think it’s because the book is terrible, I don’t know what else.
The worst was actually that youtuber, because he said it public on his discord that he was reading it. I remember being really uncomfortable with it, because I hardly think this book is his thing, and I had to go double check if I had perhaps not tagged the book right. But I worried for nothing, because he never mentioned it again, and I must admit I didn’t feel like posting there for a long while, and I never brought it up. I just pretend like nothing happened, just like with people in real life.
And as you perhaps read in this entry
I decided to stop writing short form content such as creepypastas. because apparently I such at those too. Hmmm I was sure I made an entry specifically about that, but apparently I didn’t. Okay well, that one must be in the future then… So I won’t get in to that now.
And this is why I need my comfort stories.
Once it was fanfiction that gave me that instant kick, It felt great when people commented and liked, and I felt like I was a decent storyteller. And then it was Creepypastas that gave me that instant gratification in the form of comments on reddit, and people narrating it on youtube.
Shit I felt awesome!
And here i am, with none of those two outlets, nothing to give me that kick to feel like it matters, it’s kinda hard to explain, but to go from interaction to silence isn’t as easy as you think. And really I guess it means that I write because I cannot NOT write. And isn’t that what authors do regardless of talent.
I did think about uploading these stories somewhere like fanfiction.net or whatever, where you can upload original stuff that doesn’t have to be polished. But you know why I don’t? because it makes me feel like shit, it makes me feel exposed and vulnerable somehow.
And as you can read here
I am much more afraid of expectations and demands, than I am of complete silence. I deal much better with no interaction, no readers – than I do with getting my ‘safespace’ ruined by assholes.
And that is perhaps why I reacted like I did to those anti-ai people. I felt invaded and dictated in my safespace all over again. and NOTHING is more destructive for my mental health than that. I can deal with whatever the snot life throws at me, if I can write my way out of it.
And as I said; that is why I need my comfort projects.
I can’t tell you why I feel better knowing that people could read these projects if they wanted to, and I might delete them completely again, like I did before.
But for now I just changed the ‘this we know’ blog around, taking away the TTS, and the link in the ‘short stories’ link here is still good, even if it’s not TTS anymore. it’s a weird double standard there, claiming to do this because i love it, and then stop because it’s too much work, when no one but me see it. Sure, but that is none the less how it is.
So going forth it is just a link to a canva doc. And I am not done prettying it up, the blog I mean – there’s some stuff I need to fix, and some stuff I need to add.
The TTS chapter is still there, just under ‘abandoned stuff’ in case you want to hear it.
And lastly I thought I’d just throw it out there. It’s no secret I fucking hated my mebb last year, I mean I haven’t touched fandom in so long, and I hated every moment of it.
Again I felt like I was hiding my shit writing behind something, and when people click the link, a whole damn garden of shit unfurls.
I’m so sorry.. I truly am.
I don’t know man, I think I might delete it, and I might not. It’s a shame because I loved writing it, but it ended up like nocturnes or this we know, just because it went on, and on and on – because I had fun in that universe with those characters. I mean, I have much more fun writing it, than anyone have reading it. Like making youtube videos of paint drying.
I don’t know man… it’s just a thought.
and before I end this and return to my real life job, well… check this.
HAHAHAHAHA
look ma, I made it!
DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD 
Leave a comment