Well, I’m not. But it’s not like I feel like I have a choice.
So, first you should read this entry
It’s about why I just gave up on r/nosleep, the rules are just fucking stupid and I don’t understand it.
It does bug the fuck out of me that they didn’t just tell me from the beginning that my story wasn’t ‘scary’ enough.
Well, damn…
Suppose it’s not? I don’t know man.
Seriously, sometimes I feel like my brain is wired opposite of others. I mean, the better I feel about a written final, the lower score it gets. The more self assured I am at getting the job when I leave the interview, the faster they call and tell me ‘i’m not it’. I am not even joking, it feels like the better I feel about shit, the more I am sure ‘this is the best ever!’ – the more I completely missed the mark, or did a piss poor job.
And I don’t know why it’s like that, it just is. Perhaps that is also why I don’t mind rejection per se, I am ever so used to it – and I do mean since my early school years. I was never good at giving what anyone wanted, even when I really try and strive for it.
I remember when I was doing my finals in pedagogy, and I went for several sessions of advice from educations, like everyone else – because it all counts towards your thesis. And when I was in the examination room, I remember the examiner asked me if I had a hard time understanding easy concepts. And my educator she apologized and said she had apparently not given me clear enough instructions and advice. And there I was, completely confused – mind you I still don’t know what the fuck their issue was.
The only thing that pulled me up so I didn’t flunk, was that I knew the names of some theories.
If you ask me, I had both written a solid essay, and also defended it in a proper manner. hahahaha I mean this is just one of many, many incidents like it.
I flunked so many fucking exams you have no idea. And as a kid I had my IQ tested, and it’s above average actually, I think what they told me was ‘I had the profile of an employer/boss/manager’ – some shit like that. It’s so many years ago, and they tested it because of my dyscalculia, there was no such thing back then, so I had to be slow. Turns out i’m not, I’m not smart either, I’m just you know a couple of points above average, and that is because I manage to juggle many things at the same time.
I mean that I sucked at school makes sense to me today, because I didn’t know I had adhd, besides the diagnosis not existing. When it became a thing, only boys could have it, and it would be many years before they realised that girls suffer from it just as much. But that combo of adhd and dyscalculia is just bad when it comes to absorbing information, if you tell it to me in the passing – I have forgotten before I get back to my desk, and if you tell me via a fucking powerpoint, I don’t understand it at all.
See my dyscalculia is not just numbers, it’s more schedules and forms. They make no fucking sense to me, none. Like a school shedule like my kids had, or I had back then, it’s just a figure. So I KNOW that the time is on the X axis and the days on the Y axis (or it’s the other way around, I forgot). But I can’t compare those two, I see it – of course I see it, I’m not blind. But it gives me no information, I mean I can stare at it, and still don’t understand what class I have tuesday morning.
When I was tested again in regards to my dyscalculia I found some very interesting things, because some math is just logic to me, like einsteins theory of relativity, e=mc2, – that is logic for toddlers for me. And I was told by that lady it’s because I don’t think in numbers but concepts, and so I don’t stumble when asked what E is, because it’s logic that it’s the mass, and velocity times two. But ask me what 156 + 7801 is and I’m lost, i’d need a calculator, and even then I won’t trust the outcome. I can think 156, and write 558. That has happened so fucking many times, and yes it’s the same with phone numbers and any other string of digits. Numbers have no value, but mass and speed I understand.
I know it’s backwards, and that is also why I can’t make sense of a schedule. I need to know where to look. Now if I had a note on the side that said x6-y3 that would make sense, i’d find that class right away, and I could double check. but tell me thursday at two, I’m lost – because I find Tuesday, but I already forgot if it’s two or whatever, and then I guess.
And also I found out why I can’t mirror things, I simply can’t. It’s rare, but it’s apparently some neurological thing – might explain why i sucked so bad at tetris. It’s like i keep staring at the form, but my mind is just blank I can’t even imagine what it would look like mirrored.
my brain is fucking broken.
anyways, very complicated instructions that reads like a wall of text, like that shit on r/nosleep – my mind just blanks out, I can’t take in all that info. I try, just like I do with schedules, but because I try and understand it all in its entirety, and can’t pluck out the part I need, because I’m much too neurotic to do that! I’d be afraid I missed the part I needed, and I bet that is something that goes way back till when I was in school.
Psychology is easy for me, I can juggle like ten different approaches to a problem. But I can’t understand my own bank statements.
It’s a weird and terrible handicap sometimes, and because i had it all my life, and well – ritalin doesn’t change that. I am not so upset about rejection due to formalities, I just assume that I’m the idiot, and I ask what I need to correct and try again.
unlike some people I don’t flaunt my shortcomings, I’m not really ashamed of them, because I know I can’t help it. but I’d never ask for people to like consider them, that would be weird. I mean it’s my fucking problem, and I need to solve it, I can’t ask others to shift things around to consider my faulty brain wires. And one of those things I do, is that I ask. Sometimes I tell people I’m a visual learner, and so they shoot me a video, or whatever.
it’s all good.
But this isn’t that, now is it. It’s not something I can ask my way out of. because it’s not really about me missing the mark in regards to formalia as I thought. No, it’s about my story not meeting the ‘expectations’ of r/nosleep.
Right.
I can’t really do much about that I think it’s creepy, but apparently I’m the only one. and like I talked about in this entry
it’s about silence. I feel like I’m throwing shit at the wall to see what stick.
check this, it’s from wattpad, I am dead sure those three reads is myself, testing if everything is in order with formatting and stuff.
Want to see my inbox? yeah… and that one thing that is not ‘explore our coinshop’ is also a mass email, I am not subscribed to anyone.
Yeah, I rest my fucking case. That little traffic you see, is either me, or someone who clicked a link I gave them.
Fanfics you say? Oh my sweet summerchild.
this is from my last mebb, look at the fucking word count. it took me months to write that. You see what there’s not? comments, not a single comment.
And perhaps you understand why I can’t be arsed with uploading projects, and that it’s true when I say that I get very little to no interaction. Dude I think those two bookmarks are someone who saw the word count and went ‘not now’. And the Kudos… Come the fuck on, that is people I know who throws me a pity like.
I kinda wish they wouldn’t. Just like when that youtuber bought my book. I wish people didn’t feel fucking obligated or whatever it is. Somehow that just stings worse than silence.
Just like I said about my shortcomings, or like I said in this post about my family.
The two worst emotions I know is to be tolerated, and pitied. And this shit makes me feel both.
I guess it bums me out that I don’t know how to explain that I think that story is creepy, I actually rewrote it twice. and that I would never even attempt an upload if I wasn’t proud of it, and felt like it was something people would read. and they did, the comments i DID get was positive.
But nope – not r/nosleep material.
Git gud bitch.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I am really that bad. If I’m like completely ignorant to my own suckitry, and the popularity I did experience for anything written in the past, was because I was at the right place in the right time.
Perhaps that is actually the brutal truth?
Tell me, how does one change the fact that your scary story isn’t scary. I mean the mods did tell me I could edit it to be scary. Sure man, hang on – sorry I completely forgot to be scary. I can deal with rejection due to formalia, or whatever, but rejection because of something as subjective as one mod thinking it wasn’t scary, I don’t know what to do about that.
But since it’s the third time my stuff was rejected for one or other reasons, I guess I will just take the fucking L and move on. I can’t write short form scary stuff, and that just gives even more credence to my ‘in the right place at the right time’ theory. Surely I didn’t get worse at writing? At least I don’t think I did.
I don’t know anymore, I might be worse – how the fuck am I supposed to know that?
I can’t remember if I told you that a friend of mines wife, she works with publishing, and she asked me if I ever wrote something in danish, and I said yes. She told me they were making a complilation of danish horror and that it was on invite only, she’d like to invite me.
And like the idiot I am, I send her the link to morten jernseng, explaining it was written in like two hours just to show someone I do know how to write something in Danish. I didn’t tell her that person probably never read it, I mean you can SEE the fucking wattpad stats, right? not a single click.
But this woman, I sent her the link, and I also sent it to her as a pdf. So I honestly have no idea if she ever read it.
I wish I hadn’t sent her anything, but what can I say? i kinda believed it for a moment there, that all I might need is the opportunity to show what I can write without the unfair filters, and nonsensical reader ‘ethics’.
I’m pretty sure you can tell what happened.
Nothing, that’s what.
I never heard anything back from her, and before you say that it’s probably due to something else, this is like fucking 6 months ago. And were I to write anything for that compilation, i’d simply not have time. And that’s fine, because you know, I’m not going to write anything for that compilation.
And as I said before, I am never going to bring it up, I’m just going to pretend that conversation never happened. I’m good at pretending like that, I have a whole life of perfecting my ambivalence, it’s almost an artform by now.
I just hope she doesn’t bring it up, because I really don’t want to hear the excuses or explanations. She doesn’t owe me anything, and if my questionable talent wasn’t what they were looking for, well that’s just one of them things innit? I am not going to be upset about that.
But I am dead sure the awkward explanation is going to make me sad and bitter. and I wish people just wouldn’t do that.
Perhaps that is why I am hiding away like this, and hiding all I write. perhaps it’s some weird attempt at protecting myself, and protecting that last twitching nerve in me that still enjoy something.
It’s kinda sad that I have to isolate myself completely to feel any joy in creating, but I suppose I will get used to it eventually. I guess once people forgot I wrote a book, and even if I publish more, just don’t tell anyone. I can stay here in my bubble and feel accomplished, instead of spending time tuning all the bullshit out.
If I could take one thing back, it would be that I ever told anyone about the book, that I gave away copies and spent so long getting shit to work, like goodreads. If I had just kept my mouth shut, no one would know, because no one asks – and I wouldn’t have to deal with this feeling of inadequacy.
I do absolutely plan on publishing the other stories in the series, but I won’t say a fucking word. I will just publish it in silence, make a post here – and that’s it. And sure making a post here is a tiny hope someone sees it, but at the same time I know they won’t.
Wonder why I don’t have any subscribers anymore, could it perhaps be my overwhelming negativity? nah… can’t be that, can it?
of course it is, who the fuck would want to read these long rants about shit, over and over and over again. But that’s kinda fine too, I mean leave me the space to just let go, and write what falls out my head.
And sure, I know I’m not making it easier on myself to enjoy something that the large majority of the communities I could use, are either afraid of anyone knowing they don’t hate, or hates. You will not find many people who use it unapologetic like me, but that is becuse I simply can’t see why its any of their fucking business to begin with. I mean my stories would not have graphics at all, was it not for the ai stuff. just enjoy the goddamn graphics.
I wouldn’t commission anyone anyways.
as I said in another entry here
I removed myself from all those people, and sadly that includes 99% of the selfpub and fanfic community. I swear I will set something on fire the next time I hear the ‘creatives should support creatives’
WELL THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU FUCKING DO, NOW IS IT FELICIA!
no you just kick and shame anyone who isn’t creative in the ‘right’ way, according to your sensibilities. Well guess what? the world doesn’t revolve around your fat ass. deal with it.
I am dealing with it, by removing people from my life. It’s not that hard, since I distanced myself like a decade ago, so that I’m suddenly gone is hardly something they’ll even notice. I’m not even a blip on their fucking radar.
and the one thing I didn’t mention in any of the other entries, is that i’m happier for it, seriously I am. I might be screaming into a void, but it’s my fucking void. See thing is, most my adult life has been one long uphill struggle, I feel like I have been at war with the world since I was like twelve. And I’m tired, I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to be in a constant state of high arousal just waiting for the next thing to hit my shitlist, and I don’t want to be scared anymore. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently it is. and if I want these things, I have to stay here in my void.
If you had walked in my shoes, you’d know why I chose peace over social interaction. I chose playing around with my imagination, instead of being in constant fight mode.
I’m almost 50, I don’t wanna do this anymore, man.
And sure it makes me sad that what I make never really resonates with anyone, I feel like a moth in a garden of butterflies… that is really the best way I can describe it. Like I’m here, but no one knows because they are busy looking at something else, something pretty and pleasing.
But as I said in one of these entries above, is that I write for me, and that is the truth. I write my trauma, I write my sadness and sorrow – I need that therapy. I need to put words to the feelings.
Perhaps I need it to live, and that is why I still upload shit even if it’s not all that available if you don’t know me and know where to look.
And perhaps I want all my callousness, my pain and anger to be in text. Perhaps I need to look at myself through that, knowing exactly why I reign supreme from my throne of bitterness.
DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD 
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