DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD

It’s funny, but it’s like something is missing, something is reminding me of what I thought would be.

It sounds weird I know, but I sorta thought you’d be here, I had never not imagined you wouldn’t be. But you are not, and I don’t want you here either, actually I don’t want to speak to you at all.

You make me so bitter and sad when I think of you. To know that the you I thought I knew, the you I wanted to share this with, and the you I thought cared. Is a you that never existed.

The you shaped hole in my world can never be filled, because what filled it – does not exist. Right now I wish I had my soulmate, my best friend, my other half, the one who knew me best, and the only one who I thought genuinely cared. I miss him terribly, but I know that he is not you. The man I miss is not the man in my phone contacts, the man I miss is the man I thought I knew.

Technically I could call you, but I am not going to. I don’t know if you blocked me, if you even have a phone – or even worse; you’d see it as a reason to visit, and talk about yourself and all your crazy shit.

Once I would have sat down in the kitchen and had a coffee with you and we’d talk, and you would have been happy for me, you would have told me I mattered.

And I would have believed you.

I know it’s a lie, but sometimes I just want to believe the lie, you know? Right now I wish someone I trusted could tell me I mattered, and how proud you were of my achievements.

And that is what you took from me, you stole my trust.

Sometimes I just want to not have to fight, or have my shield up. Sometimes I just want someone to praise me, l don’t care if you lie, I just want to curl up and feel special and cared for. To have someone absorb all my worry, fears and frustration like a sponge, just for a little while.

Well… That never happened, and it will never happen.

So it doesn’t change that I wish we could sit down and talk about all this book stuff, like we would have back when. Back when you at least tried to be a person.

So I miss the you who fits into my ‘you shaped space’. – Not the man I unfortunately know.