Just swinging by to – well I don’t know, laugh I guess. And why that? well because I was right, but of course I was. I admit I had hoped I wasn’t, but I was.
It’s sorta liberating, and perhaps in a way I find some weird joy in it.
But I have maintained radio silence on any SoMe besides my personal fb and blogs, like I said I would. And not one single person even noticed.
I left Twitter with a ‘fuck you too’, and nothing.
I did think about making a mass effect big bang story but I think I better not, it’s a weird catch 22, because I do miss knowing anyone online, and I miss interacting with ppl I used to know and get excited about things.
But I simply don’t think I have it in me anymore, nothing makes me feel more lonely than groups of people – I don’t belong anymore. And I don’t have it in me to start over as I did before.
It reminds me of back when I studied to be an actor in my youth, one day I just hated it, I prefer to be in the shadows but somehow I always manage to walk into the spotlight. And I hate it.
So in order to let the internet be my place of refuge, I have to withdraw from everything and everyone. I wonder what would happen to the Mebb if I just ignored it, would P take over? I like to think she would, I like to think that the community wouldn’t just fade out… though I honestly think it already did, no matter what P does or don’t do. I haven’t made up my mind yet, perhaps I will do as I said, and show up come august and launch the mebb again. And honestly I don’t have an answer as to why, I guess I am not quite ready to sever the last lifeline?
I don’t know man, because all it does is to remind me of how fun it was once, and how not fun it is now. I guess I feel obligated, which is just dumb.
I guess the idea of writing a story for the mebb is more like a death spasm, you know – giving it a last go before i leave, just to make sure it really is as I think. You have to remember I spent years and years cultivating that community, and it’s hard to just leave your ‘baby’ like that.
One of the major issues I have is not really how people I used to know left, but it’s like the ‘fun’ is sucked out of fanfics, like you have to cater to whatever the fuck and their sensibilities. And I simply cannot do that, I am so helplessly out of touch.
Perhaps more mods is the answer, I don’t know man.
I need to think more about what I am going to do. But I know the right thing to do is just to hand it over to P
Oh yeah update on Wattpad, well one of my stories got one star – hey man it’s 1 more than 0, amirite? I still think it’s a great way to profile, and I am working on something to launch in chapters and see if I can drum up some attention. Because when it comes to Wattpad, it’s like any other archive you know? I mean you get lost in the shuffle real quick, and perhaps you know… I did that before, and I believe I can do it again – though admitted it’s harder without a community.
Well in the LoTr community it was because I happened to know some of the ‘big’ names and back then, it was all about who was on your friends list on livejournal. hahaha
And in the Mass Effect, I am dead sure it was Kmeme, it was dead easy because there was someone who wished for a prompt, and there was a huge community to tag ppl in – and the more smut you could fit in there, the more successful it was.
But on Wattpad I am competing for attention with a whole different crowd, plus I don’t know anyone, nor do I want to. I remember the selfpub community on livejournal how fucking toxic that was, and I have no desire to repeat that.
But the best part? is that I can use the AI art graphics I make to my hearts desire, and that makes me a happy panda.
On the AI topic I have to mention I tried to play a demo to a game called Innsmouth22 (go find it on steam), and dude….
So it’s obvious it’s AI art, but that doesn’t bother me one bit, way I see it, it’s a way for a single dev to create something they couldn’t without. And I am sure there are great storytellers who are stuck on the art department (like myself).
My problem with that game was really how lazy it was, it was like they made some mediocre AI art, like didn’t care about extra fingers, and shit like that. But when they introduced a character as a ‘boy’ and the sprite was clearly a girl without tits – and no it was not for inclusivity, it was just fucking lazy. I started to notice shit like, chairs with 5 legs, and trees in the ocean and shit like that… and that pissed me off.
IT’s shit like that, which makes it harder for the rest of us, ppl like that is what’s wrong with the fucking AI art community (besides the assholes that scam ppl), but come the fuck on, could you just make minimum effort? you have heard of photo edit programming yes? To me this game just came off as bad AI art with a stupid filter plastered over to mask the fact. But it’s so damn obvious, and the more you play, the more it bugs you.
I would never ever present a graphic to anyone which was half assed, and expect them to pay – what the fuck man.
But yes I admit freely that the whole AI issue is a giant dealbreaker for me, and the main reason I just withdrew from everything. Personally I have a very hard time understanding how people who do fan art and fan stories, can even ethically have issues with it – but they do, actually they are some of the most vocal ones.
The whole notion is ridiculous to me, you copy someone else’s work, but I can’t make a image of a spacestation? Either you can create fan works or you can’t. end of.
And I hate hypocrites that simple, and I refuse to have the debate. And so I just left, because I do what I do because I enjoy it. But it is what happened, and all the angry rants I had over time because of it was completely justified. I had a hard time understanding why ppl I have known for 10+ years in the fandom community, suddenly slammed me with shit – because of ai art. And it took awhile for me to come to terms with the friendship I thought we had, was worth nothing. That someone would be willing to attack someone with the vitriol I experienced, for THAT?! it blows my mind. But okay man, guess we were never friends to begin with. That hurt, it honestly did.
But as it stands, I am fully prepared to die on that hill. But I also don’t want to fight about it, which is why I deleted everything except here and on my pinterest.
Saving grace that it’s less stigmatized in the non-fan writing community, if you make a damn effort that is.
How I fucking wish people would come to their senses.
Once I believed that I had talent, that I was worth it – I truly believed it was a question of working towards a goal, and of course I could do it.
It’s sort of funny to me now.
It was a serious fucking awakening, let me tell you. I should have known, I should have seen it, but I didn’t. And in that way it was absolutely humbling, because I thought I had followers, I thought I had people who liked what I made.
I did not.
And I did not understand what I did wrong – truth is I didn’t do anything wrong, besides being a fucking idiot. I didn’t know I was a one trick pony – I didn’t pay attention, and that is on me.
My crime was arrogance. I simply couldn’t imagine that it wouldn’t carry over. And I might mention that I did a huge thing out of being social, blogging, posting on forums, servers and participating in events. And I honestly thought the readers I had liked me as a person, and would perhaps be glad that I moved out from the shadow of fanfiction and into real writing so to say.
I had honestly expected to mirror my following on Patron, just to name one thing. I had expected people to support me, because they enjoyed my stories. It is laughable to think about now, because I have one person on my patreon, which is my own daughter – how is that for pathetic?
I should have known they didn’t fucking care, not even those I thought were friends – they cared about fandom, and was just rubbing shoulders with me because I once was someone.
Fuck man, it makes me feel like someone in a Tom Waits song. hahaha – But I am far happier as a nobody, at least I don’t have to deal with fake people, because no one gives a shit about knowing me, or reading my shit.
I won’t lie, I mean it’s hard to motivate yourself when you have no hits on your story at all, and I’m sure many will agree with me. And perhaps that is why I so rarely show my stories, or publish them anywhere – cause I don’t want to know. I don’t want to feel like a pathetic failure, and only way to do that, is to keep my stories to myself.
So even if I finish stuff, like Wolf Creek which is actually done, just need edits. I will probably never show anyone, why should I? The story was made from the premise of an AI created narrative, like the original video.
But I found out the hard way that it was not welcome, even if I thought it was an amazing concept – I was quite alone in that belief. So even if it’s done, no you probably won’t ever get to read it – and why would you?
Come the fuck on, why would I spend so long preparing it, for either narration or straight up reading – and may I tell you, it was a huge expense for me to make both the artwork and music… again that is on me,and I am only mentioning it because dude… it is a lot of time, a lot of money – only for it to stay untouched and get buried in the algorithm within 20 minutes.
It’s hard to compete with Omegaverse Korean boyband stories, what can I say?
And so when I talk about my stories here, it’s just to entertain myself – But hey I write for me, and I like my own stories.
This reminds me of something.
I made some changes, such as aiming for perhaps a video a week on my youtube, not daily as before.
And I stopped paying for the program I used to make music. And I don’t think I will be making more, cause what’s the point. I made that music to fit narratives such as the above, but if those narratives has to be hidden and I am the only one who ever sees them, I can just use whatever music, no need for me to pay for a sub and make shitty ambient music.
I thought I was clever, I thought It was… I don’t know man, empowering I guess? To be in complete control of the entire process, and show that you can make awesome linear visual novels as one person, if only you have a good idea and a little technical know-how. But as I said, that was not how it was received.
DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD 
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