It’s a good day when you get to quote GG Allin, but nonetheless it’s fuckin true. I had to break that other post I did earlier off because I simply had nothing nice to say, and that is why I felt all my bile belonged in a entry of its own.
Look, I know no one is going to read this damn blog post, like any of my other blog posts, I see the traffic of the site – remember?
It’s hard to explain but I just found myself becoming more and more isolated from any and all things online. And I wonder if ‘online social anxiety’ is a thing, because as much as I miss being a part of something, and having some form of connection online with people. Nothing seems more pointless and alien to me.
What I have is a sad echo of what once was really.
All I do is scream into a void.
There was a time when my driving force was to show what I made to others, sharing my creations, or what I figured out in the form of tutorials.
There was a time when others would respond to me when I shared.
… Now all I do, I do for myself.
I know that, and I accepted that a long time ago – but it still hurts – even if it’s probably my own doing. The logical thing would be to just stop doing it – and with that I mean to just fucking nuke the rest of my online shit, including this blog, my Youtube channels, and my twitter.
But the sad truth is that I still need that illusion, that I am actually writing for someone to read, that I am blogging for people to care – and that someone gives a shit about what I make.
It’s fucking stupid, I know that.
You don’t give a fuck, and I can’t say I blame you.
I know I went on and on about how angry it made me to experience people giving me shit for ai art, but really it’s very much related to this. Want to know why I got so angry?
Because I tapped into the whole excitement of sharing, it brought me a feeling that I haven’t experienced since I discovered fandom in the fucking internet stone age. I remember I was slightly confused at first by the silence, because in my naivety I thought I was sharing something others could benefit from.
I wasn’t.
And now instead of it giving me joy, I feel like I have a dirty secret.
I don’t know what I am going to do right now; a part of me just wants to nuke the last remnants of social interaction I have online, meaning my youtube channels, my discord and all blogs. My twitter and reddit I use to keep updated, and rarely use it for anything but that… I don’t know man…
What I have decided to purge is my patreon, it’s just pointless now that I can’t use it for its intended use. Also it makes me feel ridiculous – who the fuck do I think I am? What the fuck were I thinking when I made that? – well I was thinking that ppl would want to download free ambient music and free youtube banners and other resources.
They don’t.
But then again, as I said in the beginning of this entry – I see the fucking statistics. And usually I crosspost my blog posts to twitter. And this post will have 0 interactions – And my twitter post will perhaps have 1 view. Back when I had Pinterest, it was the same pattern, everything I EVER posted there, which was like 100+ images and links to blog posts, had a collective amount of 0 pins, and like under 10 views (collected that is). I still have Reddit, but I use it to pin shit in a locked folder for writing, and another for food recipes – and a public folder where I have all my blog posts from this blog.
But you know what? I am actually okay with it.
DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD 
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