DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD

So I decided I wanted to see if I could write a fanfic again, trying to aim for the mebb (mass effect big bang) this year. I got a silly idea from rewatching the Alienist after my operation.

I wrote like 10 pages and it changed direction, I liked that direction – so I started over. The I wrote fucking 14.000 words (guestimated) and it changed again… and i liked that version of characters and world better, so I scrapped everything and wrote on.

And now I find myself with a monster, it goes on and on, twists and turns. And it is so fucking far from what I planned originally that I can’t even. Taking a step back from it because i returned to work (cause i am a fan of food and a place to live) I realised that the characters were not even recognizable besides their name – I had simply written myself another ‘cacophonies’ so to say.

Where the base idea might have been rooted in fandom, but something happened on the way to the bar so to say. This story is brutal, ugly and graphic – much too intense to pretend to be fanfiction. And when I say cacophonies I do mean that story I wrote many years ago which was my very last fanfic, which I rewrote for my own entertainment to match my original draft better. See I actually took out large chunks of Cacophonies because I knew it was much too violent and heavy. It is originally an ode to madness and mayhem, and I sorta guess I regret letting it stay a fanfic, I mean it would need a fuckton of work that I can’t be bothered with, to stand on it’s own for real – though the reworked version is edited so all names, places and other stuff that was the only places where it’s roots were showing, is changed. But still perhaps I should never have let it stay within the confines of fanfiction to begin with.

So I am seriously contemplating letting the story I am writing right now, that has a worktitle of Nocturnes, become it’s own beast – and go back right now, while the clay is still damp and rework that which I feel restricts it. It is a shame that I probably won’t be able to make that fanfic for mebb, but perhaps it’s just not in me anymore, perhaps I simply can’t write anything which doesn’t gross people out, anymore.

I don’t know what happened – perhaps Kryos happened. That I allowed that part of me who feels like a brutal setting, need brutal descriptions otherwise it feels disingenious to me.

And as a original story something like Nocturnes would probably have even less of a public appeal – cause I know that a story that includes those themes are for the select few. I would never ever write anything really moral dubious, I might hint it, but never write it out. Like in Nocturnes they come across a dead baby and it’s mother, the mother clearly died fast and violent from ingesting something, dropping her baby, which then just laid there and perished. I am not describing how, I have a character mortified at imagining the baby being alive long after it’s only source of help and comfort is dead. But it is still seen through someone elses eyes, who really don’t want to think the thought through because it’s too horrible.

It is absolutely not the worst I whip up in that story, not even by a long shot – but it was an example of what I mean when I say, some things make sense to be there when you describe war or the morally corrupt – and I personally dislike hinting, either you have it or you don’t. If we return to the dead baby, I refuse to believe that someone who haven’t completely lost touch with reality, could walk through a scene like that and not react, I could have written ‘to their left was a dead mother and baby, only the mother was mummyfied’ or something like that, but who the fuck would observe something like that and think ‘wow mumsy is sorta crusty’ and walk on.

The ‘warzone’ in Nocturnes is caused by ethnic cleansing (told you it was heavy themed) and never have I ever heard of any ethnic cleansing where the casualties were soldiers. Let’s just put it that way.

So I can’t decide what to do, But I think poor John Shepard has to leave his lead role to perhaps Seth, and perhaps someone completely different, someone unknown – should it end up not fitting ‘monsters’ at all either.

FAnfics have a special make – at least the romance ones that I dabbled in. You establish the characters and if not present the main couple, then atleast hint it – then you have a peril they have to overcome in order for them to get together, you often have some side stuff going on like friends to lovers, redemption arch, enemies to lovers; or something like that. and tie it up with a nice bow where love overcomes everything – because fanfiction is there to make us feel good because Thor loves Loki for real – or whatever, you know.

That is just not what is happening in my story, or in my head apparently. When I look back on what I wrote the last couple of years, it’s anything but. It’s lulling the reader into that ‘but they will overcome’ only to pull the carpet, and have one shoot the other because they were a hitman. haha well i didn’t write that scenario – promise, but I could have. You should never ever trust my characters cause they turn on a dime, and the only thing you can be sure of is that they are self serving assholes for the most part. There is not a lot of redeeming qualities in any of them.

You can find the revised version of Cacophonies here as a narrated story.