DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD

I had decided to not renew my subscription to WordPress. Because for whatever reason, I thought I would have been better at profiling myself as an author, or perhaps be more insteresting as a person or something.

However, the numbers speak for themselves – and I am not.

That is fine – but it is also why I don’t see any reason to pay for it. I can’t use WordPress for what I want to use it for, unless I pay for a ridicolous 90% unnessesary subscription, which I might have done had things been different, but they are not.

When I started this blog in 2011 (damn, Ikr), it was because WordPress had a bunch of cool shit – it’s not like that anymore, and since I don’t socialize online – well there is no ‘community’ to leave, unlike when I left livejournal or tumblr. I can just fuck off, and no one would be the wiser.

Might I mention I pay around €60 a year (inclusive taxes) for this. Okay listen up, I had this blog since 2011 – and I have something like 8 comments from actual people from then to now, and none at all from 2014 till 2024. And the general interaction, or clicks if you will – is equally painful.

And while my first reaction is to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING in a huff – I didn’t, I just reversed it all to drafts.

And why did I do that?

Well because it’s painfully obvious that what I am doing, isn’t working. I mean come on, it’s just not. I went through many different “phases” online, and I sort of “reinvented” myself many times, from edgy blogger, to goth sims creator, Yaoi curator and erotica author – to fanfic author, as horror author, as DIY crafter, Youtuber, creator influencer – and creator of ai graphics for blogs and banners.

I think I can sum all of it up as ‘it used to be fun, but then…’ which is true, and the common denominator for almost all of it, is commercial success sucked the soul out of it. And for some of it; politics suddenly invaded my little fun sandbox, killing the mood completely.

Looking back I have actually been pretty smart about it, I attempted to build an audience on the backbone of my name, or social status in whatever it was I was doing. And yet I find myself sitting here completely alone, I have no audience anymore – hells not even the few people I call friends are bothered anymore. And I don’t blame them, I’m not sure I would care about my chaotic shift of focus either. But truth is that I have been grasping at straws without knowing it was what I did. Hindsight is a bitch.

I think I have been powering on, trying to find new ways to make what I do, better, flashier – more noticable in the algorithm, because I could no longer draw on a following, and so had to work up a new profile.

And that is what went wrong.

I am simply out of time, I am a fucking dinosaur pretending I am not. I don’t even speak the same language (both litteraly and figuratively) as the people I am trying to engage, and who the fuck am I trying to engage? I don’t even know anymore.

Which is the reason for this purge. I am going to start by scaling WAY back, and remind myself about what it was I loved about making graphics, or writing stories.

Where I am going from here, well I don’t know. but I do know that I will stop subscribing to ‘power through, keep going’ because that has caused me nothing but a constant feeling of being overwhelmed, depression and burn-out.

My purge is not done, and I need to think about what I want to erase, and what I want to keep. Because what I will attempt to do is return to basics – as I said, I am not sure what it means exactly. But I know that I am fucking done with trying, not only do I not even understand the internet anymore, but it’s next to impossible to network when you hate talking to people online.