DREAMS OF A LOST MOONCHILD

Okay so a purge made me feel better. As I explained in the previous post, I tend to sow way too many wild oats, and then suddenly find myself overwhelmed and crash something fierce. This is a pattern I have lived over and over and over since I was a little kid, battling the combination of ADD and depression. That is not a secret, and nor is it an excuse – it is an explanation. And people who have known me for a long time, be it in RL or on the internet, knows this, and know that they should just leave me alone for a couple of days, and then I bounce back. What is different this time….

Is the fact that I simply had to reel everything in again, to stop riding this many horses and decide what it is I want, and do not want. And perhaps realising that I don’t ‘belong’ anywhere anymore, here on the internet. I sort of miss being a part of a community, but that I am not, is soley my own fault cause I don’t engage. And the stuff I told out above is partially why. Another reason is that I lost interest in a lot of what I used to like. But that is what happens amirite?

I somewhat wish I still had a lot of contacts, cause if I had I would turn my discord channel into a horror book club and horror DIY, and also a place to talk writing and stuff – totally egocentric cause it’s what interests me… but dude, I turn 50 soon, I simply don’t care for shit I don’t care for, it’s pretty simple, I’m too old to even want to pretend. But facts are that I don’t have that large a network anymore, and absolutely not a large horror related network, because if you thought fanfic authors were selfserving little shits, you should meet the horror communities.

And so I came to the conclusion that perhaps I just don’t fit in at these communities you know? I mean I am not about to bootlick some fuckwit because they wrote something you can buy for $1 on Amazon, or perhaps they wrote something on nosleep.. well so did I, both actually, and I am not impressed. Actually quite the opposite. Why are these assholes so full of themselves? ARGH!

What I love, and what I once loved about the mass effect big bang, is to create – I love that a bunch of people get together and get exited about creating something collective. I love the fuckin supernova explosion of creativity, for the sake of creating, sharing and supporting each other. But that is just not what is happening, not in the MEBB and not in the horror community. What is most important to most people is their brand, clicks, likes, or whatever the shit they can get, stroking their ego. And I hate it.

I think that is what threw me into a major online crisis, that I feel like Ozzy Osbourne trying to turn the tide with a poop-scoop. seriously. It’s futile, and I won’t ever find this again. And when I say I miss the old days of the internet, I fucking mean it. I am a dinosaur.

THIS IS THE LAST SURVIVOR OF THE NOSTROMO, NOT EXACTLY SIGNING OFF CAUSE YOU NEED ME FOR A SEQUEL.

So to reel shit in, and learn to breathe, and live with the fact that I am totally and utterly not a part of whatever is going on, nor to I care to be. Is sort of liberating.

Apart from my personal shit, I also wanted to tell you that I am digging deep in my savings and is going to get myself a new computer, cause this lady here, USG ISHIMURA, is like 14 years old. I won’t lie, it makes me very nostalgic and it’s not easy for me (funny enough, really), but this computer was bought by my fostermom, when I started taking the college classes that I needed to get in, and get my BA. My old computer would just shut down when you tried to open a browser hahaha, and they took pity on me (my fosterparents). I remember the huge fight we had, because I pressured them a little to get a computer that wasn’t just the cheapest shit, and in the end they gave ind and bought me this one. I did change the harddrive, but nothing else. They are both dead now, and it feels sort of strange to get rid of the gift they gave me then. I was however right, I mean it has served me for many many years, and it wouldn’t have done that if they had gotten me some supermarket shit computer.

I hope to get my webcam working for the new computer, and make some crochet videos and stuff, but not for YT I mean not as a ‘thing’ just for this blog. https://hooksandshallowshadows.blogspot.com/ which is still around, I am not abandoning my practical crochet project that easy, even if I removed it from this blog. I will however probably let you know that it’s updated on this blog.

And because I am slowly moving files from my computer to blogs and clouds, I decided to reuse this blog

https://nightshadeinmyveins.blogspot.com/

for a crochet pattern library in danish and english, and also my own patterns. and a showcase for sales, because FB is fucking frustrating to use for showcasing, but a great tool for a smooth sale/buying experience. I might even reopen my etsy, but I don’t know yet. I think it’s more likely that I will upload my patterns for free on lovecrafts (I fucking LOVE Lovecrafts, and they have many, many quality free and pay patterns).

I also still have my redbubble shop, but I won’t announce updates here, neither will I announce updates for my people gallery

And then I will use my energy, working on some DIY and crochet, and writing horror. And if I stumble into some good folks, that is great, if not – it’s same same.

One thing I will however do, is to make my own wall of shame – because I am a spiteful bitch like that. And people are fucking delutional. I am all for ‘everyone can participate’ in whatever it might be, that is the very best the internet gave us. But fuck me, there are some people who need a little Simon Cowell in their life. And I don’t see it as bullying to point out to people they suck, I see it as neglect not to say something. And with that I mean people who upload art that is ridicolous and wants you to pay, and if you are still unsure of what I mean look here https://www.reddit.com/r/delusionalartists/

One last thing, I think I will begin to post more music and I made two playlists on YT that is hidden for now, cause they need more stuff in them before I am showing anyone. But one is for my favorite oldschool & new (very long) creepypastas (because deleting my account on tumblr also takes that blog where I stored them). And the other is for free horror movies, both short stuff and actual movies, and I will post links here.

Eventually I hope to use my Discord server for storing a lot of those things, and perhaps one day someone else than me will contribute and use it. But that is a thing in the future. =)